Russian Jokes

Russian jokes (Russian: анекдо́ты (transcribed anekdoty), literally anecdotes), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line.

Short Russian Jokes

Q: How does every Russian joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

Q: What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? A: It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s.

Q: What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome? A: Yukanol Fukov.

Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

Q: Where do Russians get their milk? A: From Mos-cows.

Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual? A: The bus and train timetables.

Q: What is Communism? A: The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.

Q: What do you call a gassy russian? A: Vladimir Tootin

Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill? A: A bloody miracle.

Q: What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? A: Put-it-in!

Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? A: Electricity.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? A: Me neither.

Q: When was the first Russian election held? A: The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, “Go ahead, choose your wife.”

Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin’s were much shorter? A: Because during Lenin’s time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Q: What does a Russian bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard? A: A new last name.

Q: What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed? A: Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism. Q: How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food? A: Plug it into Radio Moscow.

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Russia? A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: What do you call an Russian in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Russia! Russia who? Why are you Russian to get married?

Stalin’s Office. When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, “Why don’t you put up a sign reading ‘Collective Farm’? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away.

CIA. The CIA is trying to get into Russia but they can’t find someone who has Russian characteristics. They adopt a kid at birth and teach him how to drink Vodka by the gallon play the Russian guitar and speak with a perfect accent. The child grows up and travels to Russia one day where he goes to a bar. He speaks to the bartender in a wonderful accent. The bartender says you have a wonderful accent but your not Russian. Outraged he says of course I’m and he gets out his guitar and plays it beautifully. The bar tender says again your a great guitar player but your not Russian. Not happy he starts ordering Vodka by the gallon and chugs it. The barman surprised but not convinced says I know your not Russian because no Russians are black.

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